And yet I keep trying to taste it all in one bite. Why? A popular definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I need a North Star. I need to believe there is one for me. I wonder if I will ever run out of new tags for my entries. Funny, I’m not rich, but my mind is per-occupied with sans and frivolity like tags anyhow. A conspiracy against myself, perhaps. What have I got against finding my north star?
I have a feeling I will return to this again and again. The idea of community is a broad thing to me. A neighborhood almost as big. But tribes. Therein lies the power of people in concentrated form. Larger than family, not bound by blood, but not quite a whole community either. I see it, these days, as a word that defines gangs and clubs alike. Removing the stigma of a word like gang or club and you have a tribe. For me, this word exists in neutrality and promise. Musicians create tribes around themselves all the time. Mars Army and Moon babies, the people who congregate around sound seem to have their tribes so easily defined.
Life is all about perspective. It is said over and over again. Be a winner in your mind. If you can’t imagine your objective you won’t attain it. Believe it; be it. Yada yada. Not to mock that. Its true. There is plenty enough evidence out there to prove that faith equals reality over eventuality. But. What if.
What if you were somehow born without the ability to have faith? You could touch it for brief seconds, like escaped paper blown past you in the wind. See it through the perspective of others who have a sheaf of it. Even see it working for others, who have collected it in messy stacks or neat files. But for whatever reason you lack the ability to catch it, no matter how you chase after it?
Perspective. How does one shift from the perspective of runner to the one who has the sheaf in hand? How does one become a believer?
So many subjects and they all want to spill out at once. I feel like I am in a room crowded full of boxes and none have top priority on them. And. I in a panic, flail; I don’t want to choose the wrong one first. The awkward first stumble of someone trying to blog for ten minutes a day. Building a routine where it is easiest before doing battle upon the impossible.
I know that when I get through what seems impossible I will wonder why I thought that was so hard. The way it always goes. Why are our own minds such liars to ourselves? They lie and lie and make big struggles out of what could be nothing. IF WE could ONLY approach it with the RIGHT mindset. So. Every day I pray to God, To Buddha, Allah, and the Great Spirit to help me shove back the sickness, the hopelessness, the pain and dread that is existence. Help me find me; revel in it. Somehow I guess I chose to be here.
I have a different person living in my body that deserves to be let out.
We start with foundations. When building a mind, it is something more ephemeral. The indirect line begins something confused and yet, for that confusion is it not still significant? Before big things, many small things must come. That is almost always true.